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Unprofessional is crying in a bathroom stall in an office bathroom before it’s even 11 AM.  Unprofessional is someone who can’t take constructive criticism without folding into a stupid crying girl.  That’s me today.

I made a silly mistake, and it got escalated to one of my higher ups.  He emailed me directly advising of the mistake and how to fix it.  And he’s really a nice guy and wasn’t trying to be mean, and even said “hey, it’s a learning thing, and it’s been fixed now, so no worries”

But to me, it awoke in me this horrible fear.  Fear that I’m completely stupid and way over my head and out of my depth and have no idea what I’m doing.  I have been afraid of this for 9 months, that someone is going to find out that I’m a fraud and have no business being in this job.  I’m not confident in my abilities at all, because I have absolutely no background in this kind of thing and I’ve been making it up as I go along this whole time.  Mistakes like this, to me, are unforgivable.  No one died, it didn’t affect the company at all, but in my head, I feel like this is something they could fire me for.

Other times I feel like I’m really good at what I do, and that what I do is important.  But I changed job roles recently, or rather I got more duties handed to me without any training, and I’m still getting my legs under me when it comes to the job I was originally hired to do.  My work ethic seems to be detrimental to myself because I can’t give myself a damn break and forgive myself.

I don’t have time to really analyze where all of this is coming from, but I wanted to post this while I was still feeling it.  I’ve been censoring my posts for weeks, only writing at convenient times and not in the heat of the moment.  There’s something to be said for editing, but I started this blog to analyze the times that I felt irrational and to try to make some sense of them.

Somewhere in my brain, I know that I’m smart enough to handle this job.  I know that I’m not a fraud, and that people are allowed to make mistakes.  But if I know all that, why am I holding back tears as I try not to call myself a stupid pathetic loser?