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It’s the time of year where my Facebook and twitter feed fills up with people talking about their resolutions for the new year. Most of them break my heart.  And most of them are about things that they are going to be doing less of and “giving up” so that they can “become a better person”.

Can anyone define what a “better person” is?  Because most of my friends are fantastic people, or they wouldn’t be my friends in the first place.  So why during this time of year do people shame and hate themselves so much? Everyone seems to buy into it.  Like you feel like you “should” feel this way and look back on the last year of your life with regret.  Like you “should” look forward to a bright happier you.  Or the best one, “that skinny person inside you screaming to get out” (thanks Mom, she’s screaming because I ate her and told her to shut up. 😉 )

I’m not saying we shouldn’t try to better ourselves.  But how about we start with loving the person we already are?  That’s the goal for me. Not to weigh less, eat less, whine less, cry less, etc.  I want to love more, laugh more, write more, walk more, and do more.  I want to have more.  Not things, not status, just more happiness.  I want to look in the mirror and be ok with whatever is staring back at me.  I want to add things to my life, not subtract them.

I want to be uplifted today, I want to make a difference somehow.  My depression has been bad since we got back from the states, and I haven’t even left the house in three days.  I’ve worked from home, thankfully, but I can’t even face getting dressed.  There’s all this expectation about how the holidays are supposed to feel, and I suppose I just feel let down.  And I hate that, because my husband and his mother tried to make Christmas in Manchester as lovely as they could.  But all I could think about was my family back home, including the sister I haven’t spoken to since her birthday.

I want today to count for something.  But not just because it’s the dawn of a new year, I want to be able to embrace every single day with as much enthusiasm as people are embracing tomorrow.  A fresh start. A clean slate.

I don’t know where to start.  I think the writing will help.  I hope it will.  There’s so much that I need to work out.  So much I want to say, but I’m too afraid that by revealing those things I’ve kept buried, that I will only find more reasons to be ashamed of the person I am.

I need to learn how to nurture myself.  I need to learn how to forgive myself and others.  I need to learn how to let go and just be so thankful of everything wonderful and amazing in my life.

Another acquaintance of mine posted all the crappy things that 2011 brought her life.  Maybe that works for some people.  And hell, I’ve been that person before.  But the thing is, I can’t list very much if I did the same thing.  And that is what makes me so mad at myself.  2011 was a great year, why am I letting this depression win?

In 2011, I got married.  Got to go home and have a separate celebration with my family in the states.  I got to wear the big white dress and be a princess, which I didn’t think I ever wanted but absolutely loved.  I got a job on my own merits.  Got a promotion and a raise.  I was lucky enough to go back home 3 times this year.  I got over my fears of public transportation and living in another country.  I have a great husband who is also my best friend.  Life should feel like the most amazing journey for me.  And it’s everything I ever wanted all wrapped up into 12 months.

But the dark cloud still hangs over it.  I want to kill those irrational thoughts in my head that constantly tell me how shit my life is.  It’s really not.  So how does my rational side win over my irrational heart?