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Today I was late leaving the office for circumstances not entirely in my control.  Plans fell through, yadda yadda, and so I was late.  Leaving late meant that I had to take the 5 PM bus, much much much more cramped than the earlier one.  And I was late getting to that bus as well, so I barely made it.  And since I was so late, I didn’t have the luxury of picking my seat.  I like to sit as close to the door as humanly possible, because there’s only one exit door on this particular bus and I like to be able to see it.  Today, there was only one seat left.  At the very back.

I settled myself in and tried to relax.  My normal bus takes 40 minutes, this one almost an hour and a half due to traffic.  I tried not to panic, but only when we were almost to my stop did I start to completely have a meltdown.  People and luggage were clogging the aisles, all the way to the door.  And to make matters worse, the idiotic bus driver started letting people on through the same door! I am pushing my way past people, having to shove some of them just to squeeze by.  

This situation was completely avoidable.  There would have been a seat for EVERYONE if the bus driver had done their job and ordered the idiot tourists to put their luggage in the luggage racks or in the luggage area and NOT ON THE SEATS.  And also, tell the people to put their buggies away and in the luggage racks and hold their children, then there’d be more room for luggage. And finally, let everyone get off before you start letting new people back on.  I know you  have a schedule to keep, but for fuck’s sake.  Seriously.

I wasn’t thinking about that as I tried to claw my way to the door.  I heard the huffs and saw the rolling of the eyes, and I could feel the stares.  I heard someone grumble to get on with it, as if I could suddenly make myself thin and magically squeeze myself through the giant horde of passengers.  I could hear the (imagined) shouting and the loud condemnation from every person I passed.  As if it was my fault for being fat that I couldn’t get off the bus.  As if I should make allowances and sit nearer the front (like I always do), as if I should know better.  Ok, so no one was shouting, but I felt it, and heard it, and experienced it as if they were.

This has happened before, and the last time, I just found a dark corner and cried until I felt better.  Today, I ran.  Ok, not really running, but I walked faster than I have in a long time.  I was pissed. I clenched my teeth, and glared at everyone who happened to walk past.  I was so upset, I imagined that everyone was saying something about me as they walked past me.  I wanted to punch something and punch something hard.  I wanted to hurt everyone who had ever hurt me, or anyone who thinks that it’s perfectly acceptable to judge me because of my size.  I wanted to scream. A lot.

I got home in record time.  I honestly don’t remember most of the trip.  I’m still seething with all this pent up rage. I want to scream and tell the world that I AM SICK of being demonized because of who I am. I am SICK of it being ok to bully me because I’m fat.  I am SICK of being the object of years and years of torture that was acceptable, because it was “for my own good”.  And most importantly, I am SICK of being made to feel like I should get to a “breaking point” and “hate myself enough to change”. FUCK THAT.  I am so sick of hating myself.  I’m so over that.  

I know that I’m not going to wake up in the morning into a world where people stop allowing people to be judged solely on the size of their bodies.  I know I’m not going to wake up and be magically “normal” either.  And I know it’s going to take a long time before I can find the peace to be ok with all that I have.  

For now I just wanna scream.  Who’s with me?