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Reaching out and asking for friendship obviously didn’t work, so I’m at a loss and feeling more alone than ever. 

I was missing a friend of mine, and was encouraged to reach out and tell her I missed her.  And I got the following, “I’m still around, and I know you’re having a rough time, but I’m too wrapped in my own drama to deal with yours.”  Ouch.

I wasn’t asking to be “dealt with” or even to cry on someone’s shoulder.  I’m not a damn project that you have to have energy to deal with.  I am not my mental illness.

What I was asking for was just to talk like we used to, to joke around and take our minds off our dramas for a while.  I’m a really funny person (at least I think so) and I know how to joke around and be “normal” even if I don’t feel it.

What I was asking for in my last post was just…validation from total strangers.  How arrogant to think I deserved any encouragement from people I’ve never met, when people I’ve known for years couldn’t do it.  Message received. 

I get discouraged when I try to reach out and hear nothing or get trivialized as a project.  And I get not having the emotional spoons to spare for anyone else, so maybe I’m not being fair?

I am hurt, though.  I am a person.  Who needs friends.  And not only am I not making more, I’m losing them daily.

It hurts and it sucks.  Why bother?

Last night I had one of the most vivid dreams I’ve had in quite some time.  Each time my alarm went off, I fought wakefulness and kept returning back to the same place, aching to grasp the threads of the dream again.  Shadows of it are still haunting me, even though it’s mid-afternoon.  I wish I had a way of transcribing my thoughts while I’m on the bus, because I had more to say about it then.  I seem to lose a lot of clarity in the time it takes for me to write things down.

I dreamed about someone who I haven’t spoken with since my dramatic departure from her life in 2004.  I spoke of this toxic person in an earlier entry and outlined some of the reasons I have for never speaking with her again.  We have a few mutual friends, but I’m careful not to ask about her, and have cautioned them about telling her anything about my life.  It sounds harsh, but it seems the harder I tried to push her away, she’d always find a way to prey on the love I had for her.  She’d find a way to make me feel sorry for ever leaving, and make me feel like I was the only person who could save her from herself.

In the dream, I drove the three hours to her wedding, which was in Pennsylvania (I guess in the dream I lived in Ohio).  I missed the ceremony, but went to the reception, where I sat alone and picked at the decorations on the table.  I was sulking and unsure that I should be there at all.  She was there dressed a wedding dress much like the one I wore for my wedding.  Her husband was nowhere to be seen, but she looked radiant as she greeted all her guests.  She looked happier than I’d ever seen her.  A mutual friend of ours came to my table and asked me what was wrong. I told her how I was feeling, and she nodded but then walked away.

At this point, my friend came to the table and sat down.  There were no hugs.  There was no fake gushing about how good it was to see each other.  We just faced each other.  She said to me, “You may not want to, but you are going to call me tomorrow.  I need to hear from you.”  I couldn’t meet her eyes, and said, “I don’t think I can do it.  I don’t want to face you, because you reflect back at me that person I was during that horrible time.  That person was a bad person.  I hate that person.  I don’t want to feel that ever again.”  She laughed and said, “You know I love you to bits, but I feel the same way about you.  I still think  you’re going to call me.”

I woke up at that point, but I still can’t wrap my head around what it means.  She did email me about 8 months ago, and said basically “I’m sorry. For all of it. For everything.  I know I can’t undo anything, and you probably won’t respond, and that’s OK. I just wanted you to know.”  I didn’t respond then, and I don’t think I should even now.

Is this some way of my brain dealing with the loss of my best friend from high school? As if I need to cling to those ghosts because I don’t want to lose the memories of who I was?

I have fought the urge to email this person so far.  I got some great advice from people much smarter than me about why I should keep this person out of my life.  But I feel like there’s something I need to do about my dream.  I feel like my subconscious is telling me something, and I’ll be damned if I know what it is.

“Stay” by Lisa Loeb and the Nine Stories has always been one of my favorite songs.  In the summer of 1994, I was on top of the world.  It was the summer before my senior year, I had an amazing best friend, a car, and no job.  That song was the theme of the summer for us.  We listened to it constantly, singing along at the top of our lungs as we cruised the streets of town.  That summer we were invincible and we conquered the world together.

I heard this song on Sunday and thought of my high school best friend.  I went on Facebook to message her and tell her that I was thinking about her.  We had drifted, since I moved away when I dropped out of college and life moved on.  We spoke on our birthdays and holidays just to catch up.

She was killed in a car accident in December.  I didn’t notice that it had been so long since we’d spoken.  I’m still devastated when I think about it, but then I feel a little selfish too.  Do I have a right to grieve even though we weren’t close anymore?  I feel for her sisters and her fiancé who are still struggling every day to deal with that loss.  Her facebook wall is a tribute to her life and all the people whose lives she touched.  And I said something on the wall, as if she could check it, as if she could still see it.

If I had a last moment to talk to her, I don’t even know what I’d say.  She was like a sister to me, and though we fought over the dumbest crap, I loved her more than I probably ever told her.  She was there through the really awesome and the really shit times.  High school was tough for me, as I didn’t really fit in with any cliques. It all changed when I met her, and we became our own little elite clique with a few other friends.  We claimed a table in the the lunchroom, had inside jokes, and protected each other from the meanies that made fun of us.  I felt invincible when we were together, because she was always so strong where I was weak.

I will miss you bestest friend of America.  It’s been 15 years since I hugged you goodbye, and I’m sad I won’t get a chance to do so again.

 

 

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Yes I realize, It’s been a long time since I’ve felt strong and inspired enough to write.  I have had a billion thoughts in my head, and each one disappears before I get the confidence to commit them to the screen.  I feel like I should put that as a disclaimer here “Posts infrequently due to lack of confidence”.