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Unprofessional is crying in a bathroom stall in an office bathroom before it’s even 11 AM.  Unprofessional is someone who can’t take constructive criticism without folding into a stupid crying girl.  That’s me today.

I made a silly mistake, and it got escalated to one of my higher ups.  He emailed me directly advising of the mistake and how to fix it.  And he’s really a nice guy and wasn’t trying to be mean, and even said “hey, it’s a learning thing, and it’s been fixed now, so no worries”

But to me, it awoke in me this horrible fear.  Fear that I’m completely stupid and way over my head and out of my depth and have no idea what I’m doing.  I have been afraid of this for 9 months, that someone is going to find out that I’m a fraud and have no business being in this job.  I’m not confident in my abilities at all, because I have absolutely no background in this kind of thing and I’ve been making it up as I go along this whole time.  Mistakes like this, to me, are unforgivable.  No one died, it didn’t affect the company at all, but in my head, I feel like this is something they could fire me for.

Other times I feel like I’m really good at what I do, and that what I do is important.  But I changed job roles recently, or rather I got more duties handed to me without any training, and I’m still getting my legs under me when it comes to the job I was originally hired to do.  My work ethic seems to be detrimental to myself because I can’t give myself a damn break and forgive myself.

I don’t have time to really analyze where all of this is coming from, but I wanted to post this while I was still feeling it.  I’ve been censoring my posts for weeks, only writing at convenient times and not in the heat of the moment.  There’s something to be said for editing, but I started this blog to analyze the times that I felt irrational and to try to make some sense of them.

Somewhere in my brain, I know that I’m smart enough to handle this job.  I know that I’m not a fraud, and that people are allowed to make mistakes.  But if I know all that, why am I holding back tears as I try not to call myself a stupid pathetic loser?


“It’s not the end of the world”. I can’t even count the number of times my father has said that to me.  And it’s a phrase I’ve heard all my life from other people that I love.

I have a very long history of catastrophizing.  My old therapist used to get frustrated with me when I said something was “horrible.”  For example, bad traffic was “annoying” but not “horrible”.  Hurricane Katrina was “horrible” and “devastating”, but not me having a bad day.  I get that.  My logical brain gets that.  Of course, any reasonable person can understand that line of thinking.  And when I’m not wailing like I cut my foot off, I’ll be able to see that clearly.

I like routines. Routines help my life make sense.  I do things the same way everyday because otherwise I won’t remember where my keys are and whether or not I’ve taken my meds.  I always put my Oyster (transportation) card in my wallet when I get off the bus.  But today, I put it in my pocket with my phone.  When my phone rang on my walk home, I pulled it out of my pocket and my card must have fallen out onto the street.  I didn’t realize this until I got all the way home.  The realization that I lost my card with £20 worth of bus pass on it made me lose it.  I started crying as if I’d lost a limb or something.  In fact, I’m still crying.  I feel this complete sense of loss.  This horrible feeling.  And yes, to me, it feels like everything is falling apart.  I almost blacked out because I was crying so hard.

And again, I know that I shouldn’t be this upset over £20.  That a bus pass can be replaced.  That it’s “not the end of the world”.  But I feel like such an irresponsible idiot for not following a routine I know works for me.  For not doing what I always do.  When I deviate, bad things happen.  I’m trying to calm down before my husband gets home but I just feel so awful about it.  And I can’t stop crying enough to suck it up and walk down the street to get another one.  I just want it to magically appear again.  And what’s even dumber is that if I had registered the card last week, then I could just transfer it to a new card. But I didn’t.  So, again strike it up to being a complete dumbass.

Ok, so losing my Oyster card is really annoying.  But that doesn’t describe this overwhelming grief I feel.  There’s no other word to describe this absolute pain in my heart. I feel it all through my chest and my throat is tight and my head is spinning.  Everytime I think I’m ok, the tears start all over again.  I know that I shouldn’t feel like this because it’s not the end of the world.  I know that normal people are not like this.  I know that I don’t have many people I can tell about this who aren’t sick of hearing about it already.  As if they can’t understand why I shouldn’t be the happiest girl in the world.

I want to be the happiest girl in the world.  I don’t like being this way. I don’t like being gripped by sadness that I can’t even explain.  I hate having to try to explain that I suck up the sadness of other people like a sponge and sometimes own it as my own.  I’m terrified that I’m as crazy as I think I am.

I still can’t stop crying. I can’t get out of my own way.  I hate the voice inside my head who is making fun of me right now and taunting me and telling me “it’s not the end of the world.”  I just want it to shut up.