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“Stay” by Lisa Loeb and the Nine Stories has always been one of my favorite songs.  In the summer of 1994, I was on top of the world.  It was the summer before my senior year, I had an amazing best friend, a car, and no job.  That song was the theme of the summer for us.  We listened to it constantly, singing along at the top of our lungs as we cruised the streets of town.  That summer we were invincible and we conquered the world together.

I heard this song on Sunday and thought of my high school best friend.  I went on Facebook to message her and tell her that I was thinking about her.  We had drifted, since I moved away when I dropped out of college and life moved on.  We spoke on our birthdays and holidays just to catch up.

She was killed in a car accident in December.  I didn’t notice that it had been so long since we’d spoken.  I’m still devastated when I think about it, but then I feel a little selfish too.  Do I have a right to grieve even though we weren’t close anymore?  I feel for her sisters and her fiancé who are still struggling every day to deal with that loss.  Her facebook wall is a tribute to her life and all the people whose lives she touched.  And I said something on the wall, as if she could check it, as if she could still see it.

If I had a last moment to talk to her, I don’t even know what I’d say.  She was like a sister to me, and though we fought over the dumbest crap, I loved her more than I probably ever told her.  She was there through the really awesome and the really shit times.  High school was tough for me, as I didn’t really fit in with any cliques. It all changed when I met her, and we became our own little elite clique with a few other friends.  We claimed a table in the the lunchroom, had inside jokes, and protected each other from the meanies that made fun of us.  I felt invincible when we were together, because she was always so strong where I was weak.

I will miss you bestest friend of America.  It’s been 15 years since I hugged you goodbye, and I’m sad I won’t get a chance to do so again.

 

 

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Yes I realize, It’s been a long time since I’ve felt strong and inspired enough to write.  I have had a billion thoughts in my head, and each one disappears before I get the confidence to commit them to the screen.  I feel like I should put that as a disclaimer here “Posts infrequently due to lack of confidence”.