I feel like I have so much to say but my voice is barely a whisper.

I have a very bad track record with journalling (my LJ is one example) because as soon as I find the comfort to really say what I’m thinking, I start worrying too much about what other people want to hear.  I would obsess over every comment (or lack thereof). I would be waiting for the comments to tell me how much someone understood what I was saying.  My entries were my way of shouting “Hey, world, I’m here, pay attention to me please”! I wanted…no, I NEEDED the validation.  And I still do.

What’s interesting is that I read so many blogs, and I don’t comment on anyone’s entries, even if they particularly touched me in some way.  As if my comment would just go ignored and unanswered and would be unappreciated.  I will go as far as posting on my facebook links that I find interesting, but unless it’s about something frivolous people don’t really comment on those either.  I’m sure this doesn’t help.  To make friends, be friendly and that.

I wish that I could be content with being tedious.  What I mean to say is that I wish I had a way of actually connecting with other people online.  It hurts my heart to see someone write a status like “wow, I really like cheese” and 800 people like and comment on it, but then someone else writes something insightful and meaningful and is virtually ignored.

All of this is connected to my confidence.  I am really good at faking like I have some, but inside I am still that 7 year old girl needing validation that I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it people like me.

But is it really every man/woman for themselves online?  Are we really any more social now that all this “social networking” developed?  I feel more invisible than ever.  Because it should be so easy to connect.  Even a moron who can only talk about tedious life updates has more interaction than I do.

It’s incredibly frustrating because I feel there is so much I could say or do that would make a difference.  So even if I find my voice, what difference does it make if everyone has stopped listening?

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