I am in the middle of a full-blown panic attack while I’m sitting at my desk at work, and I’m trying to calm down.  My heart feels like it’s going to either race itself to death or stop, and I can’t get enough air into my lungs.  I know my face is red and I’m starting to sweat, and there’s no way I can even leave my desk because I don’t know if I can stand.  I’m just hoping no one comes over to try to talk to me, because I seriously will burst into tears the second I try to speak.

There’s no explanation for it, but I just want to get out. And go where exactly?  Home?  Right, so I leave, only to have to get on 3 buses which cause me to panic more.  I got off a bus last week because I couldn’t breathe.  And I took the one that takes twice as long because it was more empty.  If I could walk home the 9 miles, I would.  And getting a car wouldn’t solve it either, because I would panic about driving here – Driving at night, driving in the rain, the roundabouts, getting lost, or driving on the wrong side of the road.  If I just don’t feel like I can handle driving I can’t just get out of the car and find another way home.

And then when I finally get to our place, the panic of all that needs to be done is waiting for me there.  My husband invited people to come out with us tomorrow for our anniversary, but then for everyone to come back to ours.  There is no way the house is even fit for us living there, much less having people over.  Seriously, hives are starting to break out on my skin, and I have to just keep writing and maybe I can ride it out.

All I want to do is hide.  Sleep.  Sleep and not wake up for a few days when this feeling passes.  I want to stop feeling like I’m falling apart.

My co-worker just spoke to me and I was able to act normal even though I feel like my brain is going to fall out of my head.  I can fake it very well.  But it’s a really lonely thing.  Faking it and keeping people at a distance.  In case they find out…find out what? 

I want to reach out to the people that love me instead of pushing them away.  When I “get like this”, I shut everyone out.  I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I don’t want to confide in anyone.  Friends who have been around a while refer to this as “hermiting”.  But it seems I have been doing this for years this time.  Not letting anyone get too close, because I’m too afraid of…what?  Disappointing them?  Disappointing myself?

My husband suggested that I get out and visit people over the next few weekends.  The thought of it horrifies me and brings me to tears.  I can barely even face him, how am I to deal with seeing other people?  I know these people are friends and I love spending time with them, but why would they still want to?  I’m a really shitty friend who isn’t there for the people that love me.  I will end up hurting them too.  I shut people out because I’m petrified.

I love the friends we’re seeing tomorrow but I can barely even breathe thinking about it.  Why do I consider myself a social person if I am having all this anxiety about seeing people that I know already like me?  Because they haven’t seen me as I see myself.  As a completely crazy person who has stupid phobias.  A crazy person wearing a normal person’s outfit.  A high functioning lunatic.

I feel like the darkness is closing in on me, and I just need to survive the next 3 hours until I can get to my bed and close my eyes and try to escape from myself.

Advertisements